Assemble the entourage:
1-1/2 pounds sliced bacon
2 sweet yellow onions, preferably Vidalia
3 garlic cloves, crushed
1/2 cup cider vinegar
1/2 cup packed dark-brown sugar
1/4 cup real maple syrup
3/4 cup coffee (I used Via instant)
Start by freeing that bacon from its plastic home and cutting through the whole chunk in 1" sections to make lots of little strips. Get these cooking in a wide skillet, stirring frequently to keep them browning evenly.
Cook and stir until translucent, maybe 5 minutes or so and add the bacon back to the skillet. Now add all the other ingredients as well and bubble it about 2 minutes as you stir and scrape all those browned bits up from the bottom of the skillet.
Leave it alone for 3-4 hours. You will still see some liquid but not covering the bacon and onion pieces and it will be much darker. It will thicken as it cools and change consistency considerably. Either now or after it cools overnight in the fridge put it all in the food processor and pulse 5, 6, 7 times until smoother. I left mine a bit chunky, but it's a matter of taste. Well, it's going to taste great whether it's smooth as jelly or chunky as jam, so have at it whichever way you wish!